Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Melody's Confession Post ... (stinky messy dirty confession)

OK, so I never in a million years thought I would be spilling this dirty messy little story, but there is a purpose behind it. I am justifying this by teaching the world (or a very very tiny portion of it that reads my blog) about a product that will definitely make your house a little cleaner.

Confession #1 - I forgot to shower.
I woke up this morning and realized that I never took a shower yesterday. Ewww gross. So, I'm smelling myself (not actually physically sniffing myself, but trust me, I smelled like a truck driver so it didn't take much get a whiff) thinking, "YUCK! Melody, you are sad sad sad. How did you forget to take a shower yesterday???" Yeah, yesterday was a nutso day, so it can happen. Sometimes us moms just get too busy with feeding, burping, cleaning up puke and poop and giving the baby a bath (and who knows how many other random things we have to do througout the day) that we forget to tend to ourselves. Praise the Lord Almighty that I have a dear sweet husband who loves me stinky or not.

Confession #2 - My house is a mess.
Our house is for sale. It's been on the market for a year. We've had a whopping total of four people to come see it. This market stinks (just like my unshowered self) so bad that I don't even bother to keep the house all neat and tidy in case a realtor calls or pops in. I just know it's not going to happen.....UNLESS I'm smelling like a truck driver and the house is in shambles. Which leads me to the phone call I got this morning ...

Confession #3 - I should be a much better housewife and not need my husband's help.
This is how the call went:
Realtor: Hi, this is Kenny from "ABC" Realty Company (I'd laugh if there is a real estate company called "ABC") and I'd like to show your house in 45 minutes to an hour.
Me: (thinking to myself, "OHHHHHH CRAP!") Oh hi! I know this completely rude for me to ask, especially in the housing market we live in, but is it at all possible to come a little later in the day? I have a baby and the house really needs to be picked up quite a bit. (As IF a tiny little baby can single handedly make a mess in the master bedroom, all 3 bathrooms, the kitchen and hallway.)
Realtor: You really don't have to clean up.
Me: No...I really do.
Realtor: Well, I could reschedule for the weekend if you'd like. My client only has a few hours today to see homes.
Me: Oh no, that's totally fine to come today. I'll get it cleaned before you get here. (How could I pass up anyone to come see the house?)
I put the phone down, freak out for a second and then frantically call my husband who has the luxury of leaving the office whenever he 'needs' to. Yeah, this is a 'needs' to situation, right? Hey, I only have 45 minutes to work a miracle here people!

Confession #4 - I get even more smelly and try to cover it up.
The hubby comes home in about 5 minutes (so glad we live close to his work) and we let baby play in her oh-so-fun and entertaining Exersaucer while the two of us speed clean the entire house. Can I just tell you how much I LOOOOOOOOOOVE Clorox Disinfecting Wipes??? (only $3.69 at yeah, I'm sick and looked it up for you) I always have at least 3 in stock for moments like these. You can clean an entire house in no time flat with these fabulous little wipes. I'd kiss them if I could. Well, I could, but that would just be weird.

So, the clock is ticking down. Thirty smelly minutes later, I have oh-so-attractive under-boob sweat going on and smell like 3 truck drivers who haven't made a pit stop in 2000 miles. I slap some deodorant on my already ripe armpits (you love this don't you?), throw a zip-up hoodie over my wife beater shirt, put my long locks into a sloppy pony tail and drench myself in spray from Bath & Body Works. Martha Stewart would slap me. I'd slap her back.

Confession #5 - I'm nosey.
I was planning on leaving the house before the realtor and his clients got here, but no, they were 10 minutes early. So, I grabbed a coat for the baby and a nice snugly blanket and took her for a walk. On my way out the front door the realtor says, "THIS is a messy house? It looks wonderful!" - Well, thank you Mr. Realtor Man...just don't get too close to me, I'm not so wonderfully smelling right now. Of course I snatched the baby monitor that was right by the door so I could eavesdrop on them, but all I heard was chatter spoken in Chinese. It was a great idea though.

Now, my house is all clean and smells fabulous thanks to a hubby who can vacuum the entire place in 15 minutes and my lovely Clorox Disinfecting Wipes. Now I want to have people over because it shines so nicely. I still don't smell good because I'm writing this silly post instead of showering. Seriously, I need help. I promise I'm going to the second I click "publish post"...really, I will.

So, long story even longer. If you're a stay at home mom and you don't look like Catherine Zeta-Jones 24/7, you wouldn't let your mother-in-law 'drop' in unexpectedly because the house is a mess and you forgot to take a's OK. Your secret is safe with me. I promise not to write about it for the whole world to read. I'll just save the embarrassing stories for myself. ;-)

Edited to add to "Works For Me Wednesday" at Rocks In My Dryer. Check out her post today. She talks about her pet peeve that is one of mine, too!


Anonymous said...

I am crying laughing right now! That was the funniest thing I've read in a very long time!!

I never look like Cathrine Zeta-Jones and rarely invite my in laws over because I'm so far from being anything even close to Martha Stewart. I will confess that the baby gets more baths than I do usually only because I have 5 kids and there aren't enough hours in a day. Sometimes I just pass out from exhaustion at the end of the day!

Thanks for the laughs and the confessions!

Anonymous said...

Confession - I nearly peed myself from laughing so hard at this story! LOL

Anonymous said...

What a hoot! Haven't laughed out loud that hard in a while. Our house is for sale right now and so I know exactly what you mean. Those wipes are last minute life savers when the realor calls when he's just down the street!

Unknown said...

Seriously, I NEVER shower every day! I have a 3yo and an 18mo and they torture each other as soon as I step into the shower, so someone is running to me, crying and trying to climb in to said shower within 30 seconds. By the time my husband gets home, it's time to make dinner, then it's time to get the kids in bed, then dishes and counters..THEN my husband and I actually get to sit down and spend some quality time together(and yes, this is more important to me than getting a daily it should be!). So, then it's late, and I've still not showered, and it starts all over again the next day.

The Roaming Southerner said...

This was hilarious!!!! Great post and I feel so much better except I don't have a kid...I'm just not a great housekeeper.

Mari said...

You are too funny! I am laughing because I've had those kind of days too. Why does no one stop (or want to tour your house) when it is clean and you are looking good?

Anonymous said...

My co-workers think I'm crazy right now because I'm laughing hysterically at my computer monitor! I don't know what got me more...the 'under-boob sweat' or 'I slap some deodorant on my already ripe armpits' -- hahahahaha I only laugh so hard because I've been there, done that!

You'll have to update us on what the realtor's clients thought of the house. (we know they thought it was clean, but do they want to buy it?)

Tarasview said...

now THIS is a fabulous post. Well done.

I have had almost the same experience except it wasn't the realtor, it was people from our church (I am the pastor's wife). Love it.

Pennies In My Pocket said...

I just love all you oh-so-fabulous bloggy friends. I'm thrilled to know that I'm not the only one who has done something like this.

Rachel - girl, I'm tired just reading your daily schedule. You deserve a day off and a pedicure ... on me, of course.

Pam - 5 kids? I don't think I'd be able to take a shower in a week with that many kids! You deserve a mani & pedi ... on me.

Mandi - I'm sure I could find a deal on Depends in case you can't contain your laughter! hahaha ;)

Becky Tram - So glad I could make you laugh that hard....consider your ab exercises complete for the day.

The Roaming Southerner - Ain't no shame in not having kids and being a bad housekeeper! I'll treat you to Molly the Maid for 2 months for your honesty! ;)

Mari & Tara- Aparently, they didn't get the memo on calling when the house was clean! What's the deal with that?

Rebecca - Next time your co-workers think you're crazy, just tell them you are then stand on your head in the middle of the room. They will leave you alone, I promise.


Now, next time this happens to me I expect you all to climb through the computer and help me tidy up, OK?


SAHMmy Says said...

Hilarious post! I remember those days of waiting weeks for someone to want to see our house when it was on the market...then one day two realtors called wanting to bring clients by ten minutes after the sewer had backed up poop--Poop!--in both bathtubs and toilets! Best of luck and hope you get to shower soon :)

jennwa said...

I would think it was funny but I feel your pain. I have sold four houses in the last seven years. And we are pondering the idea right now. It is no fun and I can not imagine trying to do it in this real estate market. I am sorry and I hope some one bites soon.

Anonymous said...

Oh this was too funny. I understand the rush of trying to clean up for a realtor. Its no fun at all. At least you shared it with us and we all got some laughs! I have to confess that I've spied on my older kids before using the baby monitor!! It's a great trick!

Kellan said...

That was a great story and I hope the house sold! My husband would have so done the same thing - your husband rocks!! I love those Clorox wipes too - can't live without them - no matter how green they are not! I loved this, "I'd kiss them if I could. Well, I could, but that would just be weird." - so funny.

Nice to see you today Melody - thanks for stopping by - hope to see more of you soon. Take care, Kellan

Amy said...

Hilarious! What if you are smelly and your house is horrible looking and you have no one coming to look at it? I think you continue to stink and your house progressively gets worse. Welcome to my world!! ;)

Kim said...

Wow been there done that - we didn't eat at our house the entire month it was for sale - we didn't want it to smell.

Should I be ashamed that I haven't showered today and my baby is 10 and at school all day so I can't use him as an excuse?

Are You Serious! said...

You're so funny! This is totally what happens to me. My house is clean for 30 minutes the kids get up and it turns into a huge mess and then people show up... So not right! :)

tommie said...

that was funny! I remember the days of being 30 weeks pregnant and walking around behind the one year old with a Dustbuster!

Thanks for visiting my blog....happy Wednesday

Llama Momma said...

I'm feeling your pain, girl. Thanks for sharing with us!!

Deb - Mom of 3 Girls said...

Oh I love it - I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. :)

Did they put in an offer after all of that hard work?

MamaGeek @ Works For Us said...

Woot woot, I'm so glad you joined WFMW! You stink? NO WAY. I love me some Clorox wipes myself. :)

Praise and Coffee said...

I love this!!! We would get along just fine!

Hope the house sells.

pb&j in a bowl said...

This is so, so funny. We never have anyone "drop by" unless our house is a complete mess. And I love that you took the baby moniter to listen. I woul totally do that!

suchsimplepleasures said...

thankfully, my in-laws would NEVER stop by...we don't get along so...i don't have to look like a movie star...just my gross, smeared make up, hair in ponytail self...
loved the post! btw...i adore clorox wipes...i buy them in bulk at sams club!!!

Siddhartha said...

I've got the habit to keep things messy... never find papers/cell phones/cards in place... anyway this entry is hilarious.

dlyn said...

Totally hilarious! Found your blog from a comment you made on another one - I will be back to read some more, cause you have a great blog.

Angela said...

That was such a funny story and so well written. I really enjoyed reading it. I too live a similar life, my house is always a mess and there are days I too don't shower. You are so lucky your husband is soo close. I pretty much have the rule don't come over unless you call first or you will be dissapointed! My MIL is so clean that it takes me a week of cleaning just to get it up to where I won't be embarrassed. I totally use the wipes and have a container in each bathroom. I use them on the toilet a couple of times a day due to a recently potty trained 2 year old.

Amanda said...

Confession: I had a 3 week old baby (by c-section) and a 2 1/2 year old and was STEAM CLEANING my carpets when our buyer dropped in unannounced with her realtor. It just so happened that day I DID shower AND get the kids dressed and I finally felt good enough to pick up. HOW, I don't know, by the grace of God I think! This buyer must have thought WOW, brand new baby and this women is steam cleaning her carpets, they must have been so nice to this house! She would have died laughing had she seen me another other time! Because everyday I would have had the under boob sweat, smelly armpits and all! Thank goodness for small miracles. Your post was too funny! Thanks for the laugh! And don't worry, we've all been there. Thanks so much for sharing!!!

Unknown said...

Well as you visited my confessional today you know I am not even close to Catherine Zeta Jones :)

Mrs. Nichole J. said...

I just now was able to sit down for a bit and read some blogs..
And your makin me feel quite good about me now! LOL Considering the tornado my house is now... hehehe
but Im MOVING so I hope I get a pass on the clean house award! lol

Sarah said...

you took the baby monitor with you so you could eavesdrop?


Sarah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.